Post by Nathan on Jul 1, 2009 21:29:44 GMT
Drunken ramble and colloquial conversation. A story.
It looked like an angel, but felt like a demon. It was a familiar night. A comment was made about a dream of such a familiar feeling on this familiar night. My heart had felt this feeling before. In a dream. It was a feeling of disgust and agony and hopelessness. A feeling that needed to be fulfilled that was only hurt and eventually broken. I don't write very often. And I don't like writing when there is nothing to write about. But this night was everything to write about. It was not necessarily good and it was not necessarily bad. It's just the emotion that filled the air that was beautiful. And it was not exceptionally beautiful at that time, for everything was bound to chaos. This is the night. This is the night that supersedes all other night we had spent together. No matter how beautiful before, the beauty is now far-fetched, out of place, and above all the things that hurt the most, is that it was never going to be. Ever again.
I had prepared for this night only fifteen minutes. I had gotten home, mowed the grass, and taken a shower. All I could think about was this beautiful angel, this beautiful feeling, this beautiful person... that could have been, and would have been, but at this time, will never be. And I cried a lot that fifteen minutes. I like to say cry and not sobbed or wept. Wept seems like it is too modest, and sobbed seems like it's too bitchy. I just like cry. I cried because I had already known the fate of the night. It was a hopeless situation. All I could do was hope she would understand.
We eventually got to the park, I got in her car, and some words were said. I can't really tell you I remember the order of all this but I do know, at one point, I cried. And it is the first time I had ever done that. I felt so comfortable with this person, and believed she knew me so well, I could open up and cry. I don't know what atmosphere that set, but I constantly felt sorry for her and sorry for myself. I was beginning to feel the vibe I was setting through this night time conversation was an unending sadness when all I wanted to do was say was Goodbye. But that was far out of reach. I couldn't say goodbye if I wanted to. And I realized that when she started to hide the side of her face from me. And when she started to get saddened and irritated. And she said something that made me just want to love her even more. She said something about how she wants to stop hurting me and how she hates hurting me constantly. This is the beauty in the night. Whether it seems beautiful or not. She left her car crying and retreated to what we concluded was a "Pin Oak". [ =) ] She was in tears, I couldn't be in tears. For she was in more sadness than I had seen before. And immediately my emotions switched from sadness to carefulness. Who was I to put this innocent heart into tears? This beautiful, selfless girl to tears? I immediately knew what needed to be done.
I needed to do what she did to me. Let go. And it hurts more than anything I've known. And to this moment, that is still tonight... I don't know if it is the right thing to do. I just know I love her. And there truly is nothing anyone can do about that. She left on quite a bad note. It's the only time I noticed the sections of the sky that were being illuminated by the hot heat of the summer lightning. I didn't want to tell her goodbye. Not this time, more than any other time I had said goodbye. I had to say goodbye for that is what time provides. It was a bad goodbye, a seemingly meaningless goodbye. But she needs to know she has all my love. And I give her all my love. And I don't want to let her go, ever.
btw is this legal? lol.
It looked like an angel, but felt like a demon. It was a familiar night. A comment was made about a dream of such a familiar feeling on this familiar night. My heart had felt this feeling before. In a dream. It was a feeling of disgust and agony and hopelessness. A feeling that needed to be fulfilled that was only hurt and eventually broken. I don't write very often. And I don't like writing when there is nothing to write about. But this night was everything to write about. It was not necessarily good and it was not necessarily bad. It's just the emotion that filled the air that was beautiful. And it was not exceptionally beautiful at that time, for everything was bound to chaos. This is the night. This is the night that supersedes all other night we had spent together. No matter how beautiful before, the beauty is now far-fetched, out of place, and above all the things that hurt the most, is that it was never going to be. Ever again.
I had prepared for this night only fifteen minutes. I had gotten home, mowed the grass, and taken a shower. All I could think about was this beautiful angel, this beautiful feeling, this beautiful person... that could have been, and would have been, but at this time, will never be. And I cried a lot that fifteen minutes. I like to say cry and not sobbed or wept. Wept seems like it is too modest, and sobbed seems like it's too bitchy. I just like cry. I cried because I had already known the fate of the night. It was a hopeless situation. All I could do was hope she would understand.
We eventually got to the park, I got in her car, and some words were said. I can't really tell you I remember the order of all this but I do know, at one point, I cried. And it is the first time I had ever done that. I felt so comfortable with this person, and believed she knew me so well, I could open up and cry. I don't know what atmosphere that set, but I constantly felt sorry for her and sorry for myself. I was beginning to feel the vibe I was setting through this night time conversation was an unending sadness when all I wanted to do was say was Goodbye. But that was far out of reach. I couldn't say goodbye if I wanted to. And I realized that when she started to hide the side of her face from me. And when she started to get saddened and irritated. And she said something that made me just want to love her even more. She said something about how she wants to stop hurting me and how she hates hurting me constantly. This is the beauty in the night. Whether it seems beautiful or not. She left her car crying and retreated to what we concluded was a "Pin Oak". [ =) ] She was in tears, I couldn't be in tears. For she was in more sadness than I had seen before. And immediately my emotions switched from sadness to carefulness. Who was I to put this innocent heart into tears? This beautiful, selfless girl to tears? I immediately knew what needed to be done.
I needed to do what she did to me. Let go. And it hurts more than anything I've known. And to this moment, that is still tonight... I don't know if it is the right thing to do. I just know I love her. And there truly is nothing anyone can do about that. She left on quite a bad note. It's the only time I noticed the sections of the sky that were being illuminated by the hot heat of the summer lightning. I didn't want to tell her goodbye. Not this time, more than any other time I had said goodbye. I had to say goodbye for that is what time provides. It was a bad goodbye, a seemingly meaningless goodbye. But she needs to know she has all my love. And I give her all my love. And I don't want to let her go, ever.
btw is this legal? lol.
