[Poem] Collapsing From The Inside Out

[fredy]

You and I
We’d be so beautiful
Just close your eyes
And feel my love

Feel it rushing through your veins
Feel it rushing through your soul

You and I
We’d be so beautiful
Just close your eyes
And feel my love

And I don’t know
How to go to on without you
But I know my heart cries for you
Don’t leave me here in this place
Alone and afraid
Dark and broken
Don’t leave me here

You and I
We’d be so beautiful
Just close your eyes
And feel my love

I‘m falling down unto my knees
My heart is black
My soul is dead
I’m collapsing, I’m collapsing

Feel me crying
Feel me dying
Feel me collapsing from the inside out…

[Signore Kai]

Somehow this had a Linkin Park feel to it; I can picture Mike Shinoda rapping this away while Chester screams something in the background.

Anyway.

I find the poem rather.. repetitive.

"You and I
We’d be so beautiful
Just close your eyes
And feel my love"

If I want to repeat a verse, what I would usually do is repeat it after two or three verses. You repeated it after just one verse, three times. It makes the poem rather repetitive to read, and frankly I think you are definitely capable of better.

"And I don’t know
How to go to on without you
But I know my heart cries for you
Don’t leave me here in this place
Alone and afraid
Dark and broken
Don’t leave me here"

This verse feels weak. I think what you are trying to achieve is to make this verse the main point, but while you're trying to convey a certain helplessness, I don't feel it from reading the verse at all.

All in all, the poem feels forced. You can do better definitely.