Corrupted Destruction

[danielazarc]

I know. Another emo-sounding one. >.>

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Witness this, every day, hide it if you can,
Behind your made-up ego and your self-abusing hand,
Show me where your efforts and your love have done some good,
You'd sell your soul and family down to Hades if you could.

Any time, anywhere, anything now goes,
You sing your given praise about yourself in detailed prose,
For after all you're perfect, God looks kindly down on you,
You can do nothing wrong, the rest of them have sinned; it's true!

Tell someone, give your love, then you turn away,
You can't believe in any form how their mind went astray,
Tell them now, I dare you, that you'll keep the trust you built,
Then wonder why, mystified, as you leave them with guilt.

Call them out, knock them down, kill what hopes remain,
Then innocently come and ask why they are feeling pain,
Even better, call them out and say they disappoint,
Then laugh since you can't figure out why you just proved their point,

What a curse, end it now, save me all the stress,
We used to think you were much better, now I must digress,
We wonder why we held upon your word for much too long,
When you alone could never see what you were doing wrong.

We're no saints, we've got flaws, we think it's absurd,
It's hard to tell you care since you won't say a single word,
You show your love by making out an argument from plea,
Drowning out all voices that just might not all agree.

You hate me, don't deny, don't give me your lies,
I can't accept apologies from treachery that size,
People change of course, that's common knowledge now these days,
Though for you I wish that this whole thing was just a phase.

Now it's gone, all that was, no hope for return,
You're still young so I hope that some day you'll try to learn,
That sometimes you must give a bit and not say you're the best,
That self denial and pretending makes you seem obsessed.

No one died, made you queen, and gave up their plight,
To give you sudden say over what is and isn't right,
Just because you think that your warped ideas are new,
Doesn't mean if you repeat them that they'll suddenly be true.

Now it's done, damage done, this wound will not heal,
I almost wish that I could take away the strength to feel,
The things you said you wouldn't do all took place anyway,
So I'll sit back and watch what's left get destroyed, and decay.

[Signore Kai]

It could mean quite a number of things. I like the poem and the topic, but there are some things here and there that reduce the poem, in my opinion.

Commas. There seem to be commas at some awkward places that I think really don't need one.

For example:

The things you said you wouldn't do all took place anyway,
So I'll sit back and watch what's left get destroyed, and decay.

Is the comma in "get destroyed, and decay" really needed? I think it breaks up the slight buildup of tension and, for lack of a better word, anger of the poem.

Also:

People change of course, that's common knowledge now these days,
Though for you I wish that this whole thing was just a phase.

Is the "now" needed? I understand you might want to keep to a little structure but the "now" feels mightily awkward to me as I read the poem.

People change of course, that's common knowledge these days, sounds much more fluent to me.

[><Lamaenic><]

I agree with Kai. You can do nothing wrong, the rest of them have sinned; it's true! The "It's true" segment is another example of awkward punctuation.

Not that you phail at writing poems Far from it. I know you see alot of negative feedback, but you see that only strengthens your skill more-you can't learn if you aren't perfect ♥