Idk untitled I guess

[Dalton]

My head is spinning
My patience is thinning
The pain is unfurling
My body uncurling
My heart is screaming
Barely beating
My soul is weeping
As im silently thinking

My thoughts keep on racing
My mind keeps a pacing
My hands are a shaking
My heart it is breaking
The tears fill my eyes
As I let out a cry

My teeth begin to grind
I feel a presence from behind
Ive lost my mind
And its nowhere to find

My head keeps on spinning
My patience keeps on thinning
The Pain is still unfurling
My body still uncurl..

[SilverWings [Birdie]]

I don't know really what to think about this one Dalton. Woah I am actually posting in the Lit board again....anyway back on topic. At first I just glanced over it and all the ing made me not want to read it. Generally to me that means someone is trying a little too hard. But after I got over the large amount of ing endings, I read it. While short, it gives of a range of emotions. Confusion, anger, desperation, annoyance, and just a hint of being a bit paranoid. Rather interesting...

[danielazarc]

I like it, it flows pretty well for being so simplistic. There's just one small thing.

'My teeth begin to grind
I feel a presence from behind'

Compared to the rest of the poem, those two lines sound a bit too long when reading over the poem and breaks up the rhythm a bit. Not because the lines lack it, but because they differ from the rest just enough to throw it off a bit, then it goes back to the original.

[Dalton]

Mar 7, 2009 0:19:16 GMT @danielazarc said:

I like it, it flows pretty well for being so simplistic. There's just one small thing.

'My teeth begin to grind
I feel a presence from behind'

Compared to the rest of the poem, those two lines sound a bit too long when reading over the poem and breaks up the rhythm a bit. Not because the lines lack it, but because they differ from the rest just enough to throw it off a bit, then it goes back to the original.

I thought the same thing and then I couldnt come up with anything better so I just started making excuses for it.


I believe that this was the excuse I picked to be the reason.

"The rhythm is interrupted there because its supposed to be a sudden jerk in the narrators thinking, a startled moment."